oh, father time...

it's been awhile since my last post. hopefully my 3 followers can forgive me ;)

so much has happened since the last post. ie: be prepared for a post of disjointed statements, observations, etc.

i had an epic fight with my best friend. words are not enough, for the words that were said. i must daily remind myself that actions were also taken. behaviors were persistent. i wasn't necessarily in the wrong. yet...it still hurts. up and down, back and forth...will we ever be true friends again? my heart breaks. my eyes instantly moisturize. WHY. sigh.

there were two guys i was interested in. both christians--a dream-come-true? well, perhaps, but not MY dream. within one week, if i recall correctly, i discovered that what had seemed like such obvious flirting was not. that i had misinterpreted, that my friends had misinterpreted, so many signals. that just as i was ready to speak up, i was spoken to. and the words from both men were the same. "i love her." and i, of course, was not the "her" of whom they spoke. is this my role in life? the confidante. the 'elaine' (only i don't even get the benefit of having been considered dateable in the past.) i felt stupid. i felt ashamed. i felt so so many bad things towards myself. inside i was screaming at the world..."i'm tired of this! i'm tired of being the girl on the sidelines; the girl you always pass by! i'm so much more, i can be so much more, all you have to do is say so. that's it. one word, and i will love you wholeheartedly. i have so much to give; so much to offer. you have NO idea how much i have to offer; spiritually, intellectually, emotionally, and physically." i was enraged. i was furious. i was torn up. heartbroken. but i was still there for them. because whatever i'm not, one thing i AM, is a good. friend.

i have a number for a case i opened with the local police department. i have a case registered w/ the organization wired safety. for i had a cyber-stalker. ridiculous in this day and age, no? (sarcasm.) it was disturbing. but i will be okay. i only hope the other victims, of which i definitely know of one; will be as well.

i participated in the local 48 hour film festival. i helped write one film for a team, and helped do everything (acting included) for another. it was so much fun. i saw my face on the big screen, in an actual theater. i am really happy about that. :)

i need a new job. i need more money. but i'm terrified to act. i don't have any sense of direction. or do i? muddled mind. should i go back to school? (grad school). for counseling. hmm.

i miss travelling. i miss being mid-air; flying through the sky, dancing with the clouds and seeing teh world as the forefathers never imagined we could. i miss the anonymity of being a stranger in a strange land. i miss the new discoveries. the food. the faces. the sounds, smells, and sights. i miss the privacy of my own hotel room. i miss the luxury of letting go and seeing what happened. i miss the freedom of the traveller's schedule. i miss everything about travelling. i miss edinburgh. i miss auckland. i miss sterling. i miss wannaka. i miss it all. i miss portland, even. i miss the twin cities, even. i. miss. the world...

i have learned how to do the cha-cha. i have learned how to samba. i love to dance.

i am stronger. yet more vulnerable. but in an okay way, i think...

manic monday

nobody would begrudge me, that much is clear. then again, is that the only reason one should go? it should never be about what other people are okay with. not about their personal opinion of you. although, if they are people who would be affected by your decision, and you do care about them quite deeply, maybe it should matter. but now that circumstance doesn't matter. because i know now--i KNOW now, they wouldn't begrudge me.

breath.

where would i go?
who would i go with?
why now? how do i know? where do i look? WHAT DO I DO!?!?!?!?!

i need to learn to trust in SO many areas of my life right now...and maybe moving to a new place, all by myself, would help that. or maybe it would hurt it.

i need direction. desperately.

last day in new zealand + my day in L.A.

The free upgrade to execuitve suites was DIVINE. sleeping in a king-size bed is probably always lovely. but particularly so when it's your last night in a foreign country. the large, glass-doored shower was also quite heavenly, considering the unmissable lack of shower doors/curtains i had been encountering on my vacation. as i finished putting on my make-up, dad came over to my room so we could make plans for the day. we'd already decided to go on a harbor cruise, the issue was which and when. considering the rain, we opted for the harbour-tour instead of one which would require walking about at a destination. given the time, 130pm was our boat.

we breakfasted on some instant oatmeal we had been given as samples a few days earlier then decided to check out, stash our bags, and hit esquire's for internet and coffee. this sufficed to kill time for a while...but not much over an hour. which left us with plenty of time to wander Auckland's streets. which we did. and it was cold. and rainy. and cold. and WINDY. and....cold. i. was. miserable. i almost talked dad out of the cruise (i'd had more than enough of cold water for the day) but helplessly realized there was nothing better to do. (our flight didn't leave until 930p, and we had no hotel to return to.) the cruise was actually nice ((as most things are, if you only let your mind accept it.)) very informative, with warm, indoor seating and a free treat. plus, i love boats. and the choppy bay water made for an exhilirating and bumpy ride!

afterwards while vaguely making our way back to the hotel we discovered a MALL(haha). so, being the good americans that we are, we explored it. we wound up eating sandwiches in the food court (KUDOS to us for avoiding all american chan eateries for the length of our holiday!) then discovered the kiwi wal-mart (the warehouse). then we journeyed back to hobson street to collect our bags and call a taxi to head for the airport.

i was desperate for an earlier flight. heartset on one. the entire concept of our massive flights + layovers had been causing anxiety for days. we get in line to check baggage and we discovered that there WAS an earlier plane to L.A. alas, we weren't able to transfer. i cried a little. i actually cried. it's not that i'm desperately homesick. it was just that once i know something has to be done, i want it done the best way possible...and the quickest way possible. i truly believe God wants me to understand and accept that i don't kinow what's best always. maybe even never. which sucks to admit...but, like the harbour cruise...doesn't actually suck at all. it's okay...i can just rest...and ENJOY life!

timing played a key issue in our L.A. day, too. our flight was late arriving (storms delayed our take-off from auckland and made for a seriously bumpy flight!) but it was okay. time was irrelevant. days were even irrelevant. we got our rental car and headed for the beach. finally got rockstar parking at santa monica beach, and seeing the ocean for the first time is just as cheesily amazing in real life as it is in the movies.

the sand was unbelievably soft beneath my feet!! and cool. it was a BEAUTIFUL day! 70 degrees or so. the sea breeze made all worries over smelling of a plane disappear. the atmosphere was indescribable! the joy of all present, the feeling of sand, water, and air...the three elements were MEANT to be together!

no one ever told me how when you're standing in the ocean, and the tide goes out, even a gentle one, the sand beneath your feet pulls out with it...it's a wondrous sensation.

we cruised around L.A. a bit more after (regretfully) leaving the beach. went to dad's hometown area of whittier. then it was time to return the rental car. we had JUST missed a shuttle and were waiting for the next one, along with a man who had tons of luggage. dad made a fun comment about his amount of luggage as we boareded the soon-arrived shuttle. the guy sat down next to me, and went on to explain how he was returning home to tokyo where his very pregnant wife and his son lived. he is from l.a. originally but now lives there with his wife and kids. it was amazing. i learned sooo much from this man. about his nieces even! he was so hyper, so friendly, so willing to talk!! it was so fun, thoroughly enjoyable conversation. and then after he got off the shuttle, our driver immediately began chatting with us also. about his 4 year old son, who was born with a leaky heart valve. it just brings chills to me even now...how timing can be so coordinated at times. how people just open up to other people for no real reason. how THAT is my way of being Jesus to the world...and that i'm blessed enough to experience those times.

quiet day

we stayed in the mercure resort last night, in queenstown. place was LOUSY w/ snow bunnies!! all ages and descriptions. we tried hitting up the city centre after dinner at the hotel's restaurant, but there was absolutely no parking anywhere. even the illegal spots were taken! fail.

i had a sleep-in, as they say, this morning. then the dad and i went back into town, hit up the embassy, and did some shopping. we found the last thing on our "have to buy" list, just in time to get to the airport. we got some toasted sandwiches at the airport cafe, ham&cheese for dad, ham & pineapple for me, then settled in with coke zeroes and books to await our boarding time.
remember how i said kiwi airports are very do-it-yourself? further proof--the attendant had us scan our own tickets before hitting the tarmac to board the plane. hilarious.

mahad, the cab driver who took us to the airport from our auckland hotel, was there waiting for us when we de-planed. sweet. he's already agreed to take us back to the airport tomorrow evening when we say farewell to nz for good. convenient! we're staying in the same auckland hotel (auckland city hotel on hobson street, downtown). and baller bonus---free upgrade to execuite suites!! woooooooo!! king size bed, kitchenette, and most importantly, a shower with a door!!

we had 'lupper' at chargrill burgers & kebabs. dad's burger was absolutely HUGE. comically big. he did it justice, though. then more city wandering, b/c it felt like summer after the south island's cold temps.

tomorrow the agenda includes a ferry ride and parnell-district shopping before flying out at 930pm (auckland time).

cheers!

LOTR Day

reasons why i'm okay w/ my "american accent" : {1} the coffee boy in wanaka this morning. i walk in and we each say "morning." hard to distinguish accent from that. then i order and he asks where i'm from (in an american accent of his own.) we chat. he was cute. it. was. FUN.

{2} our LOTR tour guide, bob (more on all that soon!), and my dad and i were talking about accents. he is from england, but his dad is a glaswegian. i said i didn't like my non-accent accent, and he disagreed. said my accent "is quite melodious, actually, i like the way your sentences go up on the end."



today was the LOTR big guided tour day. i really didn't know what to expect, to be honest. but if you get a chance to see where your favorite movie is shot, you take it. and i was NOT disappointed. so amazing!! i wish you all could experience it!! bob was our tourguide, already alluded to. he's 39, but so young at heart. his FT job is as a computer programmer, but this guy KNOWS lotr. he's hyper, but in a very friendly way. truly enjoyable. he picked dad and i up around 10am. the tour was executed flawlessly. w/in the van was a portable dvd player, w/ a special dvd cued up to the scenes (in order, of course) that we would be seeing the setting of. first stop was arrowtown. we saw some awesome scenes, of course, but also learned about the film's pre-and during-production fake name--"jamboree." apparently andy serkus almost didn't even apply for gollum/smeagol b/c the fake screenplay cover was so lame!! hahaha....



next was a treacherous road trip up to a river-view of where those giant king statues were. also learned a great story about orlando bloom/legolas. he was 17 when filming started. all actors had to sign agreements saying they would not participate in adrenaline sports while filming (nz is rampant w/ opportunities.) well, orlando did them all anyway. so they're filming the actors in the canoes going down the river. this river is fast and dangerous, esp around a bend. so, orlando tempts fate. and the boat goes under. and he plus 2 others almost were goners, but a nearby bungee-bridge's safety boat saved them. word.



we

day 2.2 through 4

tame night. after getting caught and slaughtered in the rain, lying low sounded heavenly. "martian child" was on skymovies, so we watched that movie in dad's room - me, sitting in a chair practically plastered to the space heater. (good movie, by the way)

for dinner, we strolled down the street to a convenience store/kebab place. kebab joints proliferate Auckland's streets, so we were pretty much obligated to try their take on them. "NZ kebabs" aren't your expected meat & veg on a stick. rather, it's a pita bread/tortilla heated up and spread with hummus, topped with your choice of meat, salad, and your choice of sauce. we both went for chicken w/ bbq. i was NOT disappointed. holy hummus, was that kebab amazing!

tuesday morning. dad and i breakfasted at our hotel's cafe on toasted bagels and coffee. these bagels were more covered in sesame seeds than las vegas is in glitter! but they tasted good. our flight for queenstown didn't leave until 1p, checkout wasnt until 11, and it was 830 by the time we finished eating. time to hit the streets!

First stop was the embassy (starbucks) for coffee. then we wandered down towards the docks. it was a GORGEOUS morning. sun shining brilliantly, fresh sea air, people of all descriptions rushing around. we started walking back towards the city centre when dad spotted a tiny shopping mall. in we went. most of the shops weren't open yet, but a few were. including one whose display windows showed tables filled with sparkling jewelry and sequined handbags...like a moth to a flame, i was drawn in. the sales associate was a lovely woman who'd been living in nz for about a year. she and her husband had migrated from the midlands of the UK,. we had a fantastic chat and found some wonderful items to buy, too. cheers to dad for the shop find!

auckland airport. much more do-it-yourself; tag and check your own luggage. keep your shoes on. no worries about liquids. and friendly staff, thank you God! somehow my cell phone turned on while going through the carry-on x-ray; i was waiting for dad's bags to be cleared and felt a vibration from my Khenri bag..."what's that?" pondered i. and then the sweet melody of birdsong floated up to my ears--also orignating from the khenri bag. "oh cruel conscience! recreating the sound/feel of a text message SO accurately!" i had to pull out my phone, though i was certain it wasn't on or working. but wait!! what's this? the screen of my sad, little rumor was NOT black--no, friends, it was lit-up, and the black words "welcome to new zealand..." on a bubblegum pink background appeared!! MY PHONE HAS A SIM CARD!! my phone is usable overseas!! HERE! my. phone. works in new zealand!!!! i showed my dad this joyous discovery. he was as shocked as i, and almost as delighted (i think.) he had me look at it again, while saying "i bet there are international roaming charges." sure enough, there are...i'd been doing so well w/out my security blanket/cell phone...but i HAD a working phone...wouldn't it be wasteful NOT to use it?? but, maturity set in and i agreed...we will use it only for emergencies. (philo IS spending enough money as it is, thanks, da!!)

the descent into queenstown's airport was unimaginably cool. we came out of the clouds, and the first thing i saw outside of the window was a herd of sheep. YES. we de-planed directly onto the tarmac, where the smell of snow immediately hit my nostrils just as the brisk, cool air hit my skin. the scenery was terrific, however. majestic, even! mountains. the nz mountains:)

we have a rental car for our time on the south island (a glamorous white, 4 door, toyota corolla). we decided to give queenstown a look before heading on to our lodge in wanaka. mostly b/c it was 330pm and we hadn't eaten since 8am. queenstown is definitely a ski-resort-town. absolutely crawling with slope-hitters. like aspen or something. the first eateries we spotted were a mcdonalds and a subway. "screw it, it's food!" we thought. but parking was still to be found. we pulled into a spot, then realized a local food joint was literally steps away from our car. "fergburgers." it was really busy but we chose to wait, and it was well worth it. GINORMOUS gourmet burgers. soooo soo soo good!

off to wanaka....taking a switch back road (where the road doesnt wind around the mountain but rather zig-zags up one side of it). this was a little scary, but survivable, clearly. we drove through snow, but mild. finally arrived in wanaka just after sunset, and found our lodge--home to the famous hobbit room!! not a converted movie set afterall, but part of a 5-star lodge. not half as cool as the movie set. but cool in a different way. in a pampered way. the proprieter, gary, is attentive and meticulous to detail. as well as a fancy chef. we joined him and one other guest, katherine (a kiwi and pro-skier) for wine and apps, then drove around wanaka a bit, returning to find a loaf of 'hobbit bread' with jams and butter waiting....it was ...interesting.

wednesday morning, we were treated to a 3 course breakfast! granola and fruit followed by grilled lembas bread with delectable golden syrup, followed by bacon, sausage, and sauteed mushrooms. FULL.

THEN, we were picked up by wanaka journeys for our jet boat ride!!
our guide is a maori by blood, and his passion for the river and surrounding land was contagious. he is a fantastic story-teller, too--he seamlessly wove geological, historical, mythological, and even LOTR stories together throughout our journey. the water of the river was low, only an inch or so deep at points, which meant one twisty, turny, spinning, AWESOME ride! we even hiked up into the beech forest, land that few people ever explore. it was absolutely a unique and memorable experience... breathtaking. freezing. smell the spawning fish in the shallow waters. see the helicopters dropping skiers off on the mountains looming above. see the mountainsides forming clouds right before your eyes...

Day 1.2 and Day 2.1

After leaving esquire's coffees last night, dad and i went to the albion pub for a drink and some local color. the latter we didn't get too much of...but 2 highlights that were more than enough. the first was a contraption near the door. it was identical to those bowling aley games; where there is a glass box with a crane-claw inside for you to forever-unsuccessfully attempt to grab and win a stuffed animal. except this game is called "catcha craw" and instead of plush pals, your goal is a LIVE lobster crawling around in about a foot of water. the second bit of fun was a bloke walking in and stopping a few feet away to watch the tv that my dad and i were seated near. dad was drinking his beer, i had my whiskey, and we were half-watching the highlights of various rugby, cricket, and sailing matches. bloke is shifting his feet, smiles at us, asks which team we're for. dad simply said, "it's just highlights," and bloke left. BEST PART: on either side of the crown of his head, two bright red sating ribbons were tied into gorgeous big bows around tufts of his short sandy brown hair. lovely.

we went back to the hotel shortly there-after, kinda pooped after a day which began before 4am (and on an airplane, no less.)

this morning, my dad had arranged to meet with a colleague (a native of auckland) for coffee at 9a.m. however, true to form, they had actually arranged to meet at 8a.m. not a big deal. graeme, the colleague, is a really nice guy. drove a gorgeous (dare i say luxury?) sedan, some aussie model. he's the boss of his hearth n' home branch, so spent the morning showing us around a bit. he dropped us off at the maritime museum, which we decided we might as well tour since we were there. it was kind of funny.

we walked around the harbor area for awhile, then trekked uphill back to our hotel. and then left to go get food. of course. this time we went to a locally-owned version of subway (basically) but it was much better.

later in the afternoon we decided to go shopping. we hit up a nearby shopping district, elliott st, but the stuff was really pricey and really poor quality. no souvenirs for my loved ones from there! pshaw. ha. originally i had wanted to go to the parnell area anyway, so dad says okay let's go. well, we begin to head there, and it begins to downpour. sun-showers have been common, but this one required us stepping into a convenience store and purchasing umbrellas. off we go, on foot....and....sigh. dad gets us lost. so we wander the city, my jeans soaked up to my knees, getting heavier and heavier, my feet slipping like mad in my gorgeous but impractical flip flops...as we walked down possibly the most awful hill known to kiwi-kind, my legs actually shaking from the effort of walking through the rainstorm (wet jeans = the best leg weights ever), we see a gas station. GENIUS. so we go in...and smartly admitted we were lost...and called a cab to take us back to the hotel. for cushy leather seats and only $10 AUD, i think that was the best call of the day. which leads us to late-afternoon, and me once again typing away at esquires coffees...

(sorry for the lack of pretty writing....but my laptop's battery can only handle so much time...)