oh, father time...

it's been awhile since my last post. hopefully my 3 followers can forgive me ;)

so much has happened since the last post. ie: be prepared for a post of disjointed statements, observations, etc.

i had an epic fight with my best friend. words are not enough, for the words that were said. i must daily remind myself that actions were also taken. behaviors were persistent. i wasn't necessarily in the wrong. yet...it still hurts. up and down, back and forth...will we ever be true friends again? my heart breaks. my eyes instantly moisturize. WHY. sigh.

there were two guys i was interested in. both christians--a dream-come-true? well, perhaps, but not MY dream. within one week, if i recall correctly, i discovered that what had seemed like such obvious flirting was not. that i had misinterpreted, that my friends had misinterpreted, so many signals. that just as i was ready to speak up, i was spoken to. and the words from both men were the same. "i love her." and i, of course, was not the "her" of whom they spoke. is this my role in life? the confidante. the 'elaine' (only i don't even get the benefit of having been considered dateable in the past.) i felt stupid. i felt ashamed. i felt so so many bad things towards myself. inside i was screaming at the world..."i'm tired of this! i'm tired of being the girl on the sidelines; the girl you always pass by! i'm so much more, i can be so much more, all you have to do is say so. that's it. one word, and i will love you wholeheartedly. i have so much to give; so much to offer. you have NO idea how much i have to offer; spiritually, intellectually, emotionally, and physically." i was enraged. i was furious. i was torn up. heartbroken. but i was still there for them. because whatever i'm not, one thing i AM, is a good. friend.

i have a number for a case i opened with the local police department. i have a case registered w/ the organization wired safety. for i had a cyber-stalker. ridiculous in this day and age, no? (sarcasm.) it was disturbing. but i will be okay. i only hope the other victims, of which i definitely know of one; will be as well.

i participated in the local 48 hour film festival. i helped write one film for a team, and helped do everything (acting included) for another. it was so much fun. i saw my face on the big screen, in an actual theater. i am really happy about that. :)

i need a new job. i need more money. but i'm terrified to act. i don't have any sense of direction. or do i? muddled mind. should i go back to school? (grad school). for counseling. hmm.

i miss travelling. i miss being mid-air; flying through the sky, dancing with the clouds and seeing teh world as the forefathers never imagined we could. i miss the anonymity of being a stranger in a strange land. i miss the new discoveries. the food. the faces. the sounds, smells, and sights. i miss the privacy of my own hotel room. i miss the luxury of letting go and seeing what happened. i miss the freedom of the traveller's schedule. i miss everything about travelling. i miss edinburgh. i miss auckland. i miss sterling. i miss wannaka. i miss it all. i miss portland, even. i miss the twin cities, even. i. miss. the world...

i have learned how to do the cha-cha. i have learned how to samba. i love to dance.

i am stronger. yet more vulnerable. but in an okay way, i think...