Friday, January 15, 2010

you should also know:

there are several things about me that i CAN handle being made fun of:

my propensity to use. periods. to. make. a. point.

my eclectic taste in music.

my tendency to sing and spastic-ally dance on car rides.

my attempts at foreign accents.

my adoration of my dog.

my fascination with bird decor/artwork.

my ludicrous sense of humour.

my obsession with all things scottish (including myself, at times.)

my expansive knowledge of TV and movies.

and most importantly, i will always welcome fun being poked at my bookworm status.
especially should you ever be lucky enough to glimpse me reading a book aloud, doing all the voices (accents, too), as i pace my basement floor.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

you should know:

there are two things about me i cannot tolerate being belittled:

1. my faith.

2. my body.

you've been warned.

i'm sorry...

...(to the general readership)...that my most recent posts are all so melancholy. however, brighter, more hilarious moments will come.


...(to someone specific)... that i can't be who you want me to be. that i can't feel what you want me to feel. that you caught me at a moment in life when too much was happening for me to take care. that i'm so hard to hold on to. that every song lyric convicts and confirms my decision. that i couldn't bear to talk to you last night.

it wasn't supposed to happen. i certainly didn't intend for it to. we were both caught by surprise; you with joy, me with anxiety. this was a miscommunication of grand proportions.

how can i explain my interpretation of why we started talking, when you don't even believe in the force that drove it?

how can i express how much it pains me to hurt you without leading you on?

how can i explain that this ...this *need* to share my beliefs is interwoven into the fabric of my being? that no, i can't prove what i believe with the scientific method, but that i don't need to? that people are constantly coming into and going out of my life...and that the common denominator is, 9 times out of 10, God? and that this matters to me. it means something to me. it is the purpose of my life.

i am afraid. i don't want to lose any opportunity. i don't trust myself. i don't know myself. i wish life were easier. i wish this was easier. i'm still learning how to navigate the unknown.

and frankly, i don't trust you. i don't trust that somebody who has rejected LOVE; the source of it, the definition of it, the essential Being of it; can give it. can know it. i don't trust that, and as any girl wants to hear those three words, i am moved by them. yet, i can't believe it. i do feel pained b/c i can't return it. to my regret, it's not even that i don't want to return it; i wish i did. i wish i could just dive in with reckless abandon and feel that. but i physically CAN'T.
maybe i'm being protected. which is a concept you wouldn't accept. maybe i'm incapable. that remains to be seen.

i cannot compromise on this. i'm sorry.

Friday, January 8, 2010

what dreams may come

The interior of a large structure. Dark and wooden. Like the castle of Rohan. Everywhere, people. Extended family members. Celebrities. Friends from all life stages.

Nana: "Emily! Jordan! Your dad has a present for you!"
Shoving through the throngs, I made my way to a large Christmas tree. Beneath it was a box. In the box was a puppy. A small, merle-colored dachshund pup. Tiny, tiny. Fit in my hands. Yawning, stretching. Adorable. Love.

I wander through the wooden palace some more, the tiny puppy held tenderly but firmly in my arms for the remainder of the dream. The structure now resembles Des Moines' own 7 Flags Event Center; but still all built of deep, dark wood. There *is* an event taking place. I never can determine what it is, however.

I walk to the coat check. The coat check is a shower. I sit in the tub, fully clothed. Apollo Anton Ono and a female are ice skating before me. I pull the shower curtain closed, and peek out occasionally. They laugh at my shyness and ask me to tell them what tricks to skate. I do, but still take refuge behind the curtain. Someone turns the water on. I jump out of the tub, concerned for the little dog's well-being. my hair is dripping wet after half a second of watery contact.

I then notice someone has been sitting in a chair, observing me all the while. He seems upset. I seem to know why, yet want him to say it.
Me: "What's wrong? What is it?"
He merely shakes his head.
Me: "The male attention I receive doesn't mean anything, you know. You don't need to be jealous."
Him: "How can it mean nothing?"

Me: "If they meant it, they'd prove it."

Thursday, January 7, 2010

love

my friends. the sacrifices we make to help one another. the times we have together. the late night shenanigans and the morning after giggles.

my family. the forced close proximity. the 6th sense understanding-bond we've formed. the way we push those buttons, but really only to help one another grow.

my dog. her quirks. her cuddles. her undeserved faithfulness.

my eyes. the way i see the world. the images they capture (that -force- me to take a photo to share with others.) the way they look just like my grandmother's.

my nose. it is my heritage. an ever-present reminder of who i am and where i am from. yet also the bane of my existence.

my body. what it has been through. what it is capable of.

books. cameras. coffee. chewing gum. chocolate. glitter. birds. fanciness. elegance. color. Him.

love.