i'm sorry...

...(to the general readership)...that my most recent posts are all so melancholy. however, brighter, more hilarious moments will come.


...(to someone specific)... that i can't be who you want me to be. that i can't feel what you want me to feel. that you caught me at a moment in life when too much was happening for me to take care. that i'm so hard to hold on to. that every song lyric convicts and confirms my decision. that i couldn't bear to talk to you last night.

it wasn't supposed to happen. i certainly didn't intend for it to. we were both caught by surprise; you with joy, me with anxiety. this was a miscommunication of grand proportions.

how can i explain my interpretation of why we started talking, when you don't even believe in the force that drove it?

how can i express how much it pains me to hurt you without leading you on?

how can i explain that this ...this *need* to share my beliefs is interwoven into the fabric of my being? that no, i can't prove what i believe with the scientific method, but that i don't need to? that people are constantly coming into and going out of my life...and that the common denominator is, 9 times out of 10, God? and that this matters to me. it means something to me. it is the purpose of my life.

i am afraid. i don't want to lose any opportunity. i don't trust myself. i don't know myself. i wish life were easier. i wish this was easier. i'm still learning how to navigate the unknown.

and frankly, i don't trust you. i don't trust that somebody who has rejected LOVE; the source of it, the definition of it, the essential Being of it; can give it. can know it. i don't trust that, and as any girl wants to hear those three words, i am moved by them. yet, i can't believe it. i do feel pained b/c i can't return it. to my regret, it's not even that i don't want to return it; i wish i did. i wish i could just dive in with reckless abandon and feel that. but i physically CAN'T.
maybe i'm being protected. which is a concept you wouldn't accept. maybe i'm incapable. that remains to be seen.

i cannot compromise on this. i'm sorry.