Joyful Uncertainty

From My Utmost for His Highest:

“We are not uncertain of God, but uncertain of what He is going to do next.
If we are only certain in our beliefs, we get dignified and severe and have the ban of finality about our views; but when we are rightly related to God,
life is full of spontaneous, joyful uncertainty and expectancy.” (emphasis mine)

I have a new job. I have been looking for a new job for months. Actively. Utilizing connections; creating connections! I was not alone; one of my dearest friends and coworkers was in the same boat. This job hunt, while devastating, drew us closer together. A blessing. Together we would pray for the search, proofread and even rewrite cover letters, send emails full of potential future jobs. Three of the number of our “allies” left during these months for their new careers. Were it not for this friend, and her Godly influence (peppered heavily with snarky understanding,) I would have been much more desperate; not “joyful” in my uncertainty; not expectant. Like most trying periods of life, I am very grateful that I was forced to the decision of whether I would rely more heavily on God or if I would abandon myself to my own meager resources. And that I chose the former.

The old job was full of corruption. I wish I could say I rose above it, but far too often I gave in to the atmosphere and returned cattiness with cattiness; game for game. I did not stoop to deceit. But the longer I remained the harder it was for me to *love* those who were having affairs, abusing substances, and lying habitually. I judged them. I made less and less of an effort to be a light. Often during my search I wondered if God was punishing me for this behavior… that common tit-for-tat picture of The Almighty being allowed room to roam.

Somewhere, I wish I could pinpoint the moment… although I know I wavered from time to time… but the moment when I gave in. Instead of praying for this or that job application to be noticed and get results, I began to pray “Lord, if you want me to stay here, I will.” That’s it. And I began to relax. “Be Still” is a command that I have to remind myself of quite often when it comes to the relationship with Him. It’s not a suggestion; it is a command. It is perhaps one of the best to test if you doubt His desire to grant you what is best for you. In this case, it brought peace. It brought the ability to fulfill my job’s expectations beyond just getting by. It brought freedom to experience that “joyful uncertainty and expectancy!”

The changes began to bleed outside of the work life; perhaps it has something to do with the work life not mattering so much? I began exercising again, but less strictly. I began eating better. I began seeking out time spent with friends on weeknights instead of a routine of isolation at home. There has got to be some connection.

I knew that taking better care of me would result in feeling better about me; that was no shocker.

What I had forgotten was how letting people in can transform your life. Yes, it complicates it. However, it’s still easier to carry a one-ton load with assistance than it is to carry a quarter-ton load alone. Or something like that. :)

Entering into situations without presuming to know what the outcome will be has never been my strength. Tell me the upcoming event and I will plan out at least 2 possible outcomes. The more time I have to plan the more long term I will go with possible consequences, be they good or bad. The more connections/reasons I will draw. The more I will raise either my fears or my hopes.

The new job I have, while in a different form of broadcasting, is in broadcasting still. From the moment I had an interview my mind went to the hopeful route of “so THIS is why I’ve been working in broadcasting these 2 years!” Thankfully I had friends to keep me grounded without dashing my hopes. Thankfully during the strange delays of the process, I’d let people in enough to begin to listen when they said I have more to offer than I believe.
Thankfully God gave me this job for HIS reasons and not my own.

These days I feel differently than I have for the past few months.
Some days, I feel like George Costanza; I will do the exact opposite of everything I feel I should and somehow things just work out.
Some days, I’m waiting for the other shoe to fall.
Some days, I’m just plain *happy*.
Some days, I can’t even think in one single stream of consciousness for the wonder of Christ overwhelms me.
Some days, I’m terrified and doubt myself on every front.
And some days… some days I just GET it... that life is taken one step at a time, regardless of the future steps I lay out mentally.
And that He always gives me “just enough light for the step I’m on.”